When I was nearing the end of high school nothing sounded better than being far from where I grew up. I had too much unpleasant history with too many people and wanted a fresh start. After I left home it was an awesome period of growth. I felt independent and able to do anything I wanted.
Now, living further from home than I ever have before, I realize just how isolating it is. My family was (and still is) my tribe. Being away from them for so long has inched me closer to feeling depressed. I'm super introverted and don't seek out social relationship, really, at all. I could always count on visiting grandparents, aunts, parents, or sisters. And there was no pretense or anyone I needed to be. I just was/am and they work with it. I've tried knitting close relationships but over time they tend to fall apart because I put expectations on people that they are unaware of. (I'm even unaware of it sometimes.) I put large investments of time, energy, and emotion in others and am met with disappointment on a semi-regular basis. Don't take this for not being self aware - I'm sure I've also "inspired" this in others.
As my family continues to slowly shift, move, and drift away, I think back and miss the days when everyone was more young, more friendly, and more willing to get together just for a beer in someone's garage and get in a little game of poker if there was time. I'm guilty of this just as much as anyone. My grandmother constantly jokes and asks me at family gatherings if I remember where her house is because she doesn't see me.
Today my cousin texted me to let me know my sweet (and pretty sassy) grandma was, and still is, in the hospital. She fell getting out of the shower and broke two of her ribs. She complained that the worst pain is coming from her knee but they have yet to solve why. She can't breathe well so they are keeping her in emergency care. My uncle has been with her because he works in a hospital and knows all the lingo. He's been telling family members she's hallucinating and is not well. I don't even know where that would come from. Concussion? Pain medications? The dementia that's been creeping into her brain over time?
My feelings about it keep blinking in and out. When I actively work to numb my brain to the circumstances that I can't do anything about, I feel okay. But when I allow myself to think about what this means for her aging body, for the dynamic of the family...for her kids...it makes me sick to think about it. She was one of my best friends growing up. She would play Mario with me, eat lunch with me, boot me outside to play, sneak me Hostess cupcakes, lend me her kitchen spoons to dig trenches in her backyard, and so much more. And now I can see this strong woman becoming less so as each year goes by.
I still am in the dark about how things are going. I asked if I could drive to the hospital and visit but my dad said they aren't allowing visitors as she's being put through test after test. He let me know that he'd text me if anything came up. I haven't received a text all night.
This is a space separate of my house blog. Here is where you'll find a little bit of everything. I'll try to avoid vapid posts - but no promises.